I am really mean to my dad when I’m not dating. I’ve discovered that although I am happy right now being single, the part of me that wants a man is very bitter. I am still trying to find my way in this world and am very insecure about where I am in terms of my career. Whenever I’m stressed about anything, especially on the jobs front, I take my frustration out on my dad. I have now realized that it’s because I desperately want my father to be pleased with me and because I have no man in my life to “please”, this frustration becomes even more intense.
Whenever I get a new opportunity that seems promising or could open up some doors for me, my father usually gives me three reasons why it won’t work. I know this is not because he doesn’t want me to succeed, but because he wants just that. He wants me to be prepared for all of the things that could prevent me from reaching my goals. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always come across when we talk. I usually feel that he’s confirming all of my fears and it has caused me to shy away from opportunities. I usually respond to his questioning about my prospects in a bitter, defensive way, all the time. My father and I have just recently talked about this and I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel he completely believes in me. Furthermore, and perhaps the most frightening discovery thus far, I’ve found that I don’t believe in myself fully. This lackluster faith I have in myself is beginning to show itself in my writing, in my appearances and in the way I conduct myself with friends and family.
I just want to take a moment to say that these self-discovery moments are only made possible through my MANcation. I know myself and had I been chasing some relationship or man, I would not have the time or energy to take a deeper look at myself and the things I need to work on. At least, I haven’t met a man yet that has required that of me.
The quiet moments that I get to spend working on me, not who others need me to be, but working on just me are so very important for personal growth. We all want to be accepted, every last one of us. From birth, we are constantly doing things to be accepted. However we are perceived by our peers and the people we seek acceptance from will affect our interactions for the rest of our lives.
That quest for approval can be extremely damaging. I am learning to stop holding acceptance at such high regard because it is holding me hostage. This constant consent that I search for in my personal and romantic relationships is beginning to cause such insecurity and doubt and I’ve decided to free myself from it. I’m working on accepting myself and no longer being afraid of my own potential.
I think I am most afraid of being too great. I don’t say this in a vain or self-indulgent way at all. I say that because I am a child of God and HE has only created greatness within me. It is an insult to Him to shy away from my full potential simply because it may be the road less travelled and may upset people. That’s just wrong.
I’ve already gone too long on this post. That’s all for now.