Beautiful – Having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; excellent of its kind.

Insanity – The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind.

Beautiful Insanity:

             When two people love each other so much, and try so hard to make each other happy that they end up finding ways to fuck their happiness up. This could stem from fear of commitment, cheating, jealousy, misplaced love, driving one another crazy, mistrust, or just trying to love another person too much. Some of you may have been here once or twice, but beautiful insanity is the story of my love life.

                     It hurts to love a person so much, but you feel like you can’t trust them, and they’re not being upfront with you. There are times that you’re just afraid to give your all to another person, so your love is misplaced with disrespectful actions. The fear of being hurt is a part of life, but when the fear out weighs the love, that’s beautiful insanity. Arguing constantly, the inability to respectfully agree or agree to disagree causing resentment to linger in the heart, that’s beautiful insanity.

Confusion and lost feelings, because you love someone so much that you just don’t know how to love them right. Your attempts are laced with failure, because sometimes loving someone isn’t easy; that’s beautiful insanity. Knowing in your heart that resentment is turning into hatred, but you don’t want to leave the person for fear of being alone, that’s beautiful insanity. Sometimes, you prefer to be alone then be with the person you’re with, that’s beautiful insanity. You waste your time cheating with useless sexy lovers, and realize you want to be in the arms of the person that you “love,” that’s beautiful insanity. Arguing, ignorantly, more than loving one another, that’s beautiful insanity.

            I believed that relationships would become easier as I became older. Relationships are one of the most difficult experiences I have to deal with in my life, fatherhood is easier. Thinking this woman could be my future wife when in actuality she was better off never meeting me. It bothers me that I have so many complex layers. It’s hard to be with a person like me, sometimes I feel like some women are such a waste of time. I don’t understand how people can just date so freely, I tried it this year of being single and dating made me more alienated. Honestly, I lost myself in my last relationship; the trying and trying caused my heart to be callous. (Sorry if you’re reading this, you know who you are).  I was lonelier in a three year relationship than I was single, but I didn’t want to leave.  Almost like Stockholm syndrome. The fear of never finding another woman that would understand who I am. So I stayed, unhappy, in fear of starting over again, trying hard to stay together, “Al Green Style.”

All along I was deeply unhappy, that’s beautiful insanity. The fact that I tried to save something that was doomed is insane. When you love someone so much you have hopes. Is it really hope when it’s being used for selfish reasons? I am simply looking to make my love life less complicated on myself and the next lucky lady. Honestly, I’ve learned from these experiences, my pride isn’t hurt, but I become saddened thinking of these feeling of beautiful insanity I once had for her. I never want to experience that loneliness, loss, pain, or the feeling of being tormented with fear laced with love during a relationship. I loved you and I love you but my sanity is more important than love. I guess I’ll always be alone, because how can you tell your lover, “I don’t know how to love you.”

Thank you for reading.

Peace…