It’s no secret I peek at Reddit when I’m working weekends. But last week its contributors made something too hilarious not to share: An extremely dark view of relationships, in the context of Super Mario Bros.

Around Wednesday a user kicked it all off with “Mario Explains It: Lesson 001.” (Above) The guy was clearly going all Mr. Bitterpants over the state of a just-friends relationship with some girl who is probably never, ever going to give it up for him. It was then followed up with many pictures and revisions. Here are the ones that were the funniest while still forming a logical progression:

Here’s a “Fixed that for you” from someone even more bitter.

The third picture shows the OP how to git ‘er done.

Uh, staying “just friends” now sounds like a pretty good idea, doesn’t it?

Smoker!!!!! Reloading!

Of course, there’s always this path. I’d probably make supersize Bullet Bob into a divorce lawyer.

And finally, for those who hate counseling, the Scott Peterson option.

And so we learned an important lesson today, didn’t we kids? That’s right. Never ever never have sex with anyone you care about …

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