Guest Blog: “Lovers, A Mad Man, and Friends of Yesteryear” By: Eric Blair
Hello all. This week I am feeling pretty sober with my emotion; relaxed, not in the mood to kick up any shit, excuse my French. I want to address how the present is a gift but many of us take life, yesterday, today, and the future for granted. I don’t have any answers for you in this week’s topic; experiences have brought me to write this. I’ve learned a lot from loneliness, desire, heartache, crushed pride, and death. At the end of it all I found something beautiful that outweighs the chaos, life. I really don’t have any answers just reflecting moments. Note: There won’t be any quips, banters, or literary double entendres; just me keeping it upfront and honest. I’ll be sharing transitional moments in my life dealing with love and death. Maybe some of you can relate, or this will open up the eyes, ears, and minds of others. Here is my peace with the past, with my back to the wind walking towards the future.
On beautiful, breezy, warm summer day in July, I received a called that caused an atomic bomb of feeling to shatter in my mind and heart. My grandmother passed away. A wave of emotions raged through my heart, anger, sorrow, hatred, & many more. I was lost in my feelings and bit angry with myself. Wishing I had one more day to talk to her, hold her hand, and hear her sweet voice. I felt I was a bad grandson because I should have been with her more during her time of need. I was too busy with the antics of my own life to stop and realize that she will not be here forever; so arrogant and selfish. Friends and family tell me I’m too hard on myself about my grandmother’s passing. I wish I could have done more during her illness and in the end. That experience made me understand that no one will be here forever. I’ve come to terms with her death, and realized that she wouldn’t want me to mourn and wallow in self pity. She would want me to use her upbringing and lessons for something positive. Months before her passing, she told me to work hard at what I love and never give up. So many things we discussed replay in my head when I am presented with a crossroad. I’ve learned to love everyone, people that love me, hate me, cherish me, or just want to get to know me. Why use such little time I have on earth for hate, life is too short. I try to be there for my friends, family, and co workers, and continue to think/express myself with positivity. Mary Ann Blair passed away from Cancer. I want her to know she is the most beautiful human being I’ve ever known. Before I leave this Earth, I hope to be as beautiful as her.
Moving on to her, she knows who she is. I really wish I was one of her better memories. This is my closure, not quite a sorry letter but more of the truth from my perspective. Bottom line, I loved this woman. Every man has had one woman they’ve loved, and regret the things they’ve done to her. I really wish I could say it was a good relationship and departure, but I was a sinister man. I was blinded by the beauty of marvelous bodies and ugly attitudes from other women. I was too egotistic and ignorant to realize that she was a great person. I always found a problem because I was an asshole, and doing dirt of my own. That woman is a saint for putting up with my pompous ways. I honestly was a madman, maniac, freaking insane with lust for every other women. I didn’t realize the damage of my blows until it was too late. Letting my ego and rage get the best of me and poof! The bond between this woman and I vanished in one second. As desolation became a reality, experienced separation from the world, friends, family, and even in my mind. I only had myself to blame, I really took her heart for granted. Thinking back on our times together it saddens me; she was a great partner to have in my life. My ego and fear still stops me from contacting her to say, “I’m sorry,” and “Enjoyed you in my life but forget me, do not forgive me.” This loss in my life has made me a better man. Instead of looking back at what should and could have been, I look towards the future, with thoughts of being a better partner or lover. Instead of the mistakes and wasted time I could have shown her affection, I know my faults. Our faded past remains in my heart but I can’t turn down that road again. All I can do is work toward being the man that I want to be. Wish the best for her, maybe she’ll read this, maybe she won’t. She will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for waking me up. Sometimes you have to lose to win the next battle in life.
In conclusion, there are things that might get us down, set us back, or we may just get caught up in trouble. These are the things we can not escape, that’s the way of life. (If you can feel with your emotions you know you’re alive. I appreciate my life and your life.) Do not get tied up in the problems of now, yesterday, or tomorrow; problems will pass in due time. Life is a series of lessons; I have learned many and am still learning. I conquer each moment in my life, today is a new day, and I’ve set new goals. I feel marvelous to be able to speak my mind on this blog each week. I am thankful for great friendships. I am blessed with a beautiful little girl and a sensational family. I am also ecstatic about the opportunities in my future. Anyone can change their life or environment, simply strive for something better. No need to complain about the things that you’re capable of changing. Life is beautiful, with the little control we have why not do something marvelous? We all are somebody; you can be anything you want to be, never settle for less. Everyone situation is different. There’s always someone who’s worse off than you. People are dealing with disease, unemployment, famine, war, homelessness, depression, and the list goes on. Before you stamp your life as being a waste or bad, turn on your computer or TV, see the wars in Afghanistan or in Africa. Imagine how the residences of these countries feel. If you’re at home and able to read this then you’re life isn’t so bad after all. At least you have a computer to see this. (Okay, one little quip. Hehehehehe.) Wake up tomorrow and make a list of goals you want to achieve for the day. Tell that special person you love or care for them, tell your family & friends you love them. Say good morning to a stranger, that “good morning” might just make their morning. Ask your co worker how his or her night was. Bask in the glory of today, now! Never let a moment, hour, or day go to waste. Once the moment is over it’s the past, conquer each day. Don’t just be good, become someone sublime in life.
I’m Eric Blair
Hope you’ve enjoyed reading my piece.