Brilliance:

Noun

1. Great brightness; luster.

2. Excellence or distinction; conspicuous talent, mental ability, etc.

3. Splendor, elegance, or magnificence.

 

Each day I wake up knowing that I am brilliant; not Einstein brilliant but more like Shakespeare brilliant. Some people might misconstrue my intellect for nerdiness, arrogance, boredom, or madness. All whom confuse my mind for lackluster madness are truly mistaken. For one thought equals three to four simultaneous thoughts for me. I believe I think over two thousands thoughts a day and that’s just while I am awake. The piece you’re read was already written in my head four hours prior to it touching a computer screen. If someone says to me “this man was running” I can make a full story out of that one phrase in five to ten minutes. I remember each story I’ve written and planning to write, word for word; stories that will carry on for over ten years is all in my mind already written. I remember movies, music, lessons, books, places, art, people, moments, voices, sounds, taste of food and drinks, feelings, my grandmother’s smile, the first time I saw a Christmas tree, smells, and the touch of things as if I am experiencing those actions, feelings, or senses at my moment of reminiscing. I am not here to boast about my mind but I do want to share with you all the experiences that transpire inside my head daily. I like to plan my whole day out two days before it hits that day and a backup plan just in case any unexpected errors happen through out the day. I have always joked with a few friends that I know how I will die, that’s how well planned I like to be. Ha, ha, ha…Honestly, I think so much I have a blueprint/working progress for a well organized Communism state of government, I have at least three plans for my future goals, and I think daily about moments in history like JFK assassination or ancient Egypt. I study novels, text books, educational programs, and online educational information as if it was the morning paper. I know things like a toxophilite is an archer. Pakistan was once a part of India until their independence in 1947 also Pakistan means “the land of pure”. A woman’s vagina is four inches deep when not in the act of sexual intercourse and childbirth. Some nights I get lost in my mind and wonders if I didn’t have my state of delirium at times and I was all brilliance; I’d be any uppity, arrogant, know it all prick.

 

Delirium:

Noun, plural 

1. Pathology. A more or less temporary disorder of the mental faculties, as in fevers, disturbances of consciousness, or intoxication, characterized by restlessness, excitement, delusions, hallucinations, etc.

2. A state of violent excitement or emotion.

Without my brilliance I would be a beautiful, full functional maniac. It starts with a drop of fear, the fear of never reaching my full potential, not being a good father, a bad lover, or my biggest fear; not being brilliant as I believe I am. Delirium plays games with my mind all the time, between the mood changes, the anger with love ones, or the “human chess” games I dare to play with other’s emotions. Sometime I feel as if I am in a dream while I am out in the world. People are just shadows or ants that dares to believe I am another stupid nigger from North Philly. Sometimes the arrogance kicks in with my calm demeanor and callous, mighty words. The spark of anger that I feel when I am being insulted by peoples disproving looks or challenging words daring to question my intelligence. Some days my delirium might help me to forget days of the week, the sense of time, or what I actually look like. I will go days without looking into a mirror, I don’t understand why. Sometimes I am not sure if I am happy, sad, mad, or depressed. Sometimes I do feel depressed because I feel like I am alone in this world quite often. No matter what beautiful women is smiling in my face or the love I receive from my loving friends and family I still feel alone. Delirium causes me to be all over the place, mentally. When I first meet a woman I’ve already planted into her mind that she’s going to have sex with me. If it’s by painting an image that she wants me to be or telling her just what she needs to feel. I feel the rush of chaos, fun, adrenaline, and lust very often tap-dancing in the back of my conscience. It’s like keeping a hurricane at the flood gates at bay, no pun attended. I feel cynical, ominous, and complex as each day becomes a new day. It’s like I am on the brink, holding back Trevor and other alter-egos each day. Sometimes I feel as if the hard work I put towards my career is all in vein. Is my career just another plan on my revenge totem pole; all my ambition is just fuel for my anger to abstract retribution on these who dared to betray me? I don’t even know when revenge is revenge until it happens. Each day I struggle to maintain as a human but is being pulled down to be a savage by incidents, heart break, and people. I’m  praying to God, hoping that one bleak day won’t come when I snap. Hoping some prick doesn’t dare to test me or wants to play “alpha male.” That one day I just loose it all and let delirium take over; bash some poor guy’s face in. I’ll violently crash my fist into his face, embracing and cherishing the broken bones under my bruised knuckles. Inhaling the rage, fear, and taste of blood in the air. Delirium pushing me to throw all that I have been working up to be away for a taste of lustful rage. All lost in a blink…

 

And then I close my eyes and mumble to myself daily, “I hate this world, these fictitious people, the worshipping and praising of celebrities, using religion for words of hatred, the youth are nimrods, food is at an all-time high, some women are cool with being sexual objects, and some men are fucking retarded. I really hate living in this world. Alcohol and drug abuse is too convenient and suicide is too easy. I guess I am going to continue writing, building a world around me until I create my masterpiece.”

Fin.