Paradox By: Eric Blair
What do you do when the love in a relationship conflicts with who you are as a being?
Well, I don’t know how to answer this question but recently I have been experiencing this battle of hearts and internal battles with myself and significant other. The battle of hearts comes when a significant other wants me to change. When I change I am still held accountable for my past faults and errors. No matter what I do, try, or say I am still a lustful, power driven sociopath in their eyes. What’s the point of being with me if you’ll always degrade who I am now with my past faults? Why don’t you just leave if I am such a monster; go be happy with another. All this irrational strain on my mind and heart only makes my love for you callous and bleak. That honestly defeats the purpose of changing for your significant other, this only saddens me. Discussions after discussions about change but I only see change is only a one way street in this relationship. It’s positive to be so irrational towards a person that’s growing as a man; that’s fair in the significant others eyes. As long there are trust issues there is a reason for the significant other to be irrational, great logic. It sucks when my heart is already yours but you still push me back to the sociopath of my past. The relationship self reflects on the ego maniac, lustful sociopath and tries to run away from that man. The sociopath reflects on the weak, callous little man as a wasted of person and time. The internal battle begins with the raging feelings of disappointment and failure of the relationship self. There are feelings of betrayal because the rules were followed for once and everything is disregarded with mistakes from my past. How can a person change or grow if they’re still reminded of the man of yesteryear? The whispers of the sociopath echoes in the growing man’s mind, echoes of doubt mix with a growing raging lust. There are few days I try to keep the sociopath at bay and not relapse back to the sounds of moans and panting in a room of darkness and snitch of sweat in the air. The sociopath whispers, “Just leave” but the growing man has hope and want to work pass the irrational treatment from his significant other. Confusion clouds the mind with bits of lust, trust, love, hate, rage, happiness, and comfort. I just want someone to believe in me sometime because I don’t believe in anything all the time. Too attached with feelings to leave but refuse to be abase so I can convert back to a sociopath.
I guess my answer is: We have a paradox on our hands.