Pusha T – Alone In Vegas

During my vacation in Las Vegas, Nevada an occurrence of emotions and thoughts manifested. I asked a friend, “Have you ever felt the feeling of rage before?” My friend replied, “The prophet told us never get angry; so no.” I replied, “Well, I am human, Gods doesn’t know how it feels to be human. The only thing Gods know how to do is create and take away. How can a message from God tell us how we should act as humans if that God never has been a human?” I am not questioning anyone’s God or speaking blasphemy; I am sharing my thoughts on one feeling that is my own downfall at times.

Rage.

An incident happened to me during my stay in Las Vegas that pushed me to feel the true essence of rage and the taste of wraith. I am not going to speak about the incident that lead up to this emotion but I will share my feelings of the aftermath. I lost my sanity, all I could feel is the dark twisted rage in my heart. As I walk up Las Vegas Boulevard searching for an outlet from the Vegas Strip. As my rage and blood bubbles and boils with hatred all I could see is the happy, beautiful faces of people in Vegas. So many marvelous people with their drinks, shopping bags, meals, and money at hand. All these lovely people, all I could see and feel is black. This beautiful world of sin, lights, and money was closing in on me. All I wanted to do was escape; liberate myself from this beautiful world called Vegas. All I want to do is destroy it all, burn it all down with my raging stares and my thoughts of mayhem. The faster I walk the more people kept getting in my way. I almost wanted to take my chaotic feeling out on the first person that uttered wrong. My mind and ears were deaf; all I can hear is my furious heart beating. Everybody were laughing and screaming while I am walking away from it all on the brink of tears. A homeless man walks toward me asking for a dollar, I gave him six; then I start to think as I was still walking, what if I was a homeless in Vegas? No one would notice me, ask about me, or look at my way. I would be invisible; I would be alone in Vegas. Finally, I found an outlet from the Vegas Strip; I am walking toward the highway and mountains that would lead me to California. As I walk toward the mountains all I can feel is a bit of happiness in my state of rage; the happiness of “what if?” What if I reached those mountains, I can be alone and take in the beauty of isolation and nature. I can leave all the lights, money, drinks, women, sex, drugs, and useless things all behind.

I can be alone with my thoughts and raging heart. As I walk in search of reaching those mountains, thoughts of hatred and depression surface to my mind. All I wanted was to be home, close my eyes and click my heels three times and poof; I am lying across my couch, alone. I just wanted to get as much of distance between the world and I. As I continue to walk I realized my hand is now a fist, so tight that I can hear my bones cracking. The radiating sun shines down from the sky on me as I try to swallow my breaking pride with a parched throat. I just want to get to these beautiful mountains; I have to get there. An hour of walking passes and I realize these mountains weren’t any closer; a little more sadness sweeps over me. I am doomed and stuck here in Las Vegas, surrounded by millions of people but still feeling alone, alienated, and lost. I stopped and looked over the highway as I stand on a random overpass and realized there isn’t any escape from Las Vegas. So, I turned back defeated, sadden, and still alone. Now you all are reading this train of thought as I am surrounded by so many beautiful, friendly faces as I write this alone in Vegas.

Fin.