Fathers by: Eric Blair
My father and I share the same name and blood, many of my family members referred to me as “Little Eric.” I do not deny being Eric Terry’s son but I am nothing like him. I have heard throughout my life that I will be like my father, I am arrogant like him, and I do certain things like him, but I refuse to be him. I am Eric Blair; I am my own man. I don’t hate my father, never did, but I was always confused and lead astray. I had so much faith in my father to do the right things and just be our father when my mother and grandmother knew he wasn’t ready to be a father. I tried and tried throughout my childhood and juvenile years to connect with my father. We bonded in my mid to late juvenile years but I was a growing boy and I was seeing his faults as a father. He cared about everything else other than his children. I will never forget the first time I was disappointed by him; coming off one of his many hiatus’ he came to visit us (Erica, Ricky, and myself). In actuality he stopped my to see my mother. He told me he’d be back tomorrow and we’d go out together. I was ecstatic to spend time with my father; I sat outside for hours waiting for him. I started to wait around two or three o’ clock in the afternoon and I was still waiting when twilight came and the day turned to night. I will never forget that feeling of abandonment, anger, rage, and resentment at an early age. As I am typing this I am in tears. My father is still is a man of many broken promises, now with my little brother, Dameon. I will not say I hate my father, but I will not lie and say I love him. I have love for him; after all he is my father. Now that I am older, I’ve overcome the issues between my father and I; life is too short to be angry. He told me that my mother was keeping him away from us; that could be true, but no man or woman should ever stop you from seeing your children. It hurts that he didn’t try or pretend to put up a fight for us. I am not angry but disappointed that my father really doesn’t know me and doesn’t make an attempt to contact me. I hear from my family members that my father speaks of me highly and he’s proud of me. Until I hear him tell me that to my face, it’s nothing more than hearsay. His addictions and lust for women pulled him away from being our father. At times I feel like I could be that man, and that scares me.
Now that I am a father I refuse to ever leave any child of mine without a father. I know the feeling to have a “part-time” father. It wouldn’t be fair to Erin if I just gave up when her mother wanted me to. I fought so hard to be Erin’s father “full-time.” Fatherhood isn’t as hard as the cowards that runaway make it out to be. I will never leave Erin feeling lonely, or abandoned by me. People say I spoil her or she has me wrapped around her finger; she should have me that way. I am her father! She deserves the world, not empty promises. If I have to borrow for Erin to have then so be it. I do not believe a child should feel the way my siblings and I felt in our childhood. Who wants to grow up without or with a “part-time” father? If you can lie down and make a child handled your responsibilities and raise the child. This isn’t about Erin or me; it’s about my father. The man that made me a better man than him. The man that motivates me to achieve my goals; I don’t want to wake up everyday never doing anything productive with my life. The man that shown me how to love my mother and sister better than any man will love them, because he didn’t love them the way they should have been loved. The man that made me a better father than he was to his children. No child should ever feel the neglect I felt as a child. A child needs to be a child and a father needs to be a father. Once parenthood comes along; selfishness goes out the window. I do not hate you or love you; you’re just my father and I am your son that so happens to be named after you. I am Eric Blair; I will never be like you.
As I reflect, maybe my fear of abandonment could be from my father. Maybe my fear to trust loved ones (girlfriends) could be from my father. Maybe my complex ways and mental mazes could be from my father. Maybe my fear of opening up could be from my father. Maybe my alienation from other men could be from my father. Maybe my loving ways laced with the fear of losing my friends and love ones could be from my father. I do know what emotional shortcomings stem from the relationship between my father and I. However, I do know my perpetual love, affection, and communication for/with Erin will always be there, and my father is partially responsible for that. My drive to succeed and omitting failure as an option, my father is partially responsible for that. My heart is full of love, I will never hate anyone, maybe dislike, but never hate. Life is too short to deal with the stress that comes along with hate. With that being said, if you read this Eric Terry, do know I love you, father. You’ve made me a better man who’s determined to live a sublime life.
Thank you for reading.