Guest Blog: I Am Not A Failure, I Am E. Blair, I Am Not A Robot, I Am A Human.
The formal structure of writing is going out the window with this piece. I have a few things to get off my chest. This piece is my opportunity to vent, and reflect on the man I used to be, the man I am, and the man I will be. Looking back on the past two years of my life my heart has felt so many emotions. I felt deranged from loneliness and the loss of my grandmother, one of my greatest supporters. The woman who raised me was slowly dying, and there was nothing I could do but watch. I spent many nights alone after her death, drenched in sweat and tears. I am more than man enough to say I have cried; I am human. Any man that talks trash about a man crying is a pussy himself. Pain and loss are important elements of life, without loss you wouldn’t appreciate what you have. Loss is a funny thing; you don’t appreciate a lover until you lose her. During the duration of our relationship I cared about everything I didn’t need, and hated a woman that loved me. Thinking back about the pointless arguments, mistrust, and jealousy, our relationship was better than that; it should have been better than that. It wasn’t until she was fed up and decided to leave that I wanted to fight for us, but it was way too late. There I sat alone and angry, I had lost another great woman in my life. I almost shed a tear for Ms. Lewis, but I was too lost in my rage because she finally left me alone. Rage is one of my biggest faults; we all have faults. What’s yours? Mine are anger, rage, and lustful rages for other women. In my heart I wish Ms. Lewis stayed, but in my mind I am happy she left. I wanted her to runaway, I wasn’t a man with her, I was a selfish monster. Runaway, never turn back, luv. Now that I reflect, I deserved to be alone and depressed. I brought most of that sadness on myself. I remember cold, snowy nights alone in my apartment, thinking, what if things were different? Wondering, how you could tell a person you love that you don’t know how to love them anymore?
Do you know how it feels to know you’re a genius when it comes to a craft, but the world is unaware of your talent? Before I Am Not A Rapper came to me and asked me about writing a weekly blog I was in doubt of my skills. It sucks to hear people you trust and care for tell you to your face that you suck, or trying to write is pointless for you. Imagine knowing in your heart that you’re two keystrokes from a literary masterpiece, but so many people doubt you, belittle you, and have no hope for you. I could have given up and just stuck with a nine to five, but I know what I’m capable of. I can write one of the greatest stories in history. If people could only see the creative, vibrant narratives I devise, and compose in my head before it hits the screen. The series of images play out in my head like a show in a theater. I can see each moment in the story and hear each character’s voice; this is all the working of my imagination. I hear symphonies, I visualize every distinct meaningful action, I see lines that build upon one another. Line after line that create a beginning, middle, and an end. I don’t care what people think of me, I care what people think of my work. Fame is the last thing I could ever care about, I just want to write. People may think writing a blog isn’t anything big, I do. I am happy to have the opportunity to share my views with the world. I am thankful for people, like you, that enjoy reading my work. Honestly, everything I have been putting on this site has been from my heart and I’ve given it my all. I want to thank you, whether you’re a fan or just an occasional reader. This means more to me than anything, except Erin. This is number two after Erin. Really thank you; if I could I would come to each reader’s doorstep and thank you personally. Whether you loved it, hated it, kind of liked it, debated with me about it, however you may feel, I am happy you took time out your day to read what I have to say. Thank you!
During my twenty-six years of living on this earth I have learned so many lessons. One, the present is a gift. Two, love what’s important and leave negativity in the wind. Three, life is too short to be bitter. Some people may think I am arrogant at times, that’s not the case. I am too big for silly antics, we all are. With that being said, I march with an open mind, and with love, toward the future. I am proud of the man I am, and the man I will become. I wouldn’t change a thing about past events that have gotten me to this point. Every experience, every loss, each defeat, every piece of joy, each triumph, heartbreak, and moments of happiness have lead me to this point. I am thankful to be alive and able to share my feelings with you all. I have been many things in my lifetime: Neicy and Nookie’s son, Erin’s father, a big brother, a great friend, a lover, a boyfriend, a lust partner, a future husband, a bastard, a mother fucker, an asshole, a prick, awesome, amazing, a writer, arrogant, a student, a teacher, hurt, enraged, depressed, a character, silly, brilliant, a deep thinker, a Communist, vulnerable, a hard worker, a nerd, never a hater, cool enough, beautiful, daddy, Blair, funny, a comic book writer, and a jerk. With all these names I am just a human at the end of the day.
I’m Eric Blair