Demon(ized) Booze Over Time
Take heart, Four Loko: You’re not the first type of alcoholic inebriant to get called out onto the carpet for getting fledgling drinkers looped like hula. When gangsta rap and malt liquor forties teamed up in the ’80s, that shit got railroaded, yo. And where are forties now? Available behind the bar at hipster bars nationwide, and quietly occupying a fair share of space in mini-mart coolers.
With few exceptions, booze brands rarely get a life sentence. And a little time in the blue-nosed poky only makes them more awesome in the eyes (and throats) of young anarchists (unfortunately). So without further ado, we bring you our list of the 10 most (rightfully) demonized alcoholic substances over time:
10. “Ice” Beer. A forerunner to Four Loko, the “icing” of beer meant it was supposed to get you more fucked up. Insted, it just tasted like the juices flowing out of Harvey Weinstein’s ass crack after half an hour on a stationery bike, especially Keystone Ice.
9. Vanilla Extract/NyQuil. Popular ways for adolescents (or even toddlers) to get crazy blitzed within the confines of the law, these aren’t cool to pound.
8. Purple Drank. Popularized by Lil Wayne and other southern rappers, this mad science NyQuil spinoff has cost former number-one NFL draft pick JaMarcus Russell millions of dollars — and presumably his entire career.
7. Fortified Wine. Typically relegated to hobos and frequently targeted by prudish cities looking to clean up their urban core, this demonic group includes Thunderbird, Mad Dog and Boone’s. If those three got in a fight, Boone’s would get raped and killed before having its flesh torn from its carcass by both the bird and the dog.
6. Wine Coolers. Harmlessly presented by Southern gentlemen Bartles & James, these fruity little bottles got reamed for being way too female-friendly, therefore causing females to be way too friendly.
5. Zima. Zomething zifferent, but the zong remained the zame az wine coolerz for thiz clear liquid.
4. Rubbing Alcohol. Popularized by Kitty Dukakis, and…acutally, Kitty Dukakis is the only drunk rumored to have been hard-core enough to resort to guzzling rubbing alcohol. Get that woman in the “Clash of the Tightest,” stat.
3. New Coke. By “new,” we don’t mean Coca-Cola’s attempt to stupidly double-dip by competing with their own “classic” brand, we mean when Coca-Cola shifted away from using trace amounts of cocaine in bottles of Coca-Cola. That was productivity’s golden age, and just look at how fat people have gotten since.
2. Malt Liquor. St. Ide’s and Olde E got all the hype back when conservatives declared a fatwa on grain alcohol swillin’ gangstas, but somehow slipping under the radar was Seattle’s own Rainier Ale, aka “Green Death.” OE is preschool shit compared to that.
1. Absinthe. Speaking of green death, this iconoclastic, high-octane syrup is rumored to have caused Van Gogh to slice off his ear. Once illegal in the States, it’s now all the rage. See, Four Loko? All hope is not lost.