If Tiger Woods’ wife really did beat the shit out of him with a golf club, he needs to rat her out to the police.

I’m assuming the incident really did go down the same way it has in my dreams the last three nights in a row: She read on TMZ or some shit about the club promoter jumpoff, she grabbed one of his golf clubs and caught him off guard while he was doing whatever it is Chinese people do at 2:00 in the morning. (Math?) Her boob popped out a little bit when she did it. He jumped in his Escalade and peeled out down the driveway, but his mind was a little bit foggy, from having been coldcocked, so he ran over a fire hydrant and then a tree. Then his wife beat the shit out of the Escalade with the golf club, even though it was already fucked the fuck up.

Tiger Woods didn’t wanna tell 5-0 that his wife beat the shit out of him with a golf club, because Florida has a law where, if your wife beats the shit out of you with a golf club, she automatically has to go to jail. I heard about it on CNN the other day. You’d think that every state would have a law that, if a woman beats the shit out of a man with a golf club, she has to go to jail, but you know how the law tends to be skewed in a woman’s favor. Florida must be one of the manliest states in the union. I know OJ moved there because they wouldn’t touch his pension from the NFL, after he got sued for killing his wife. If I ever make any money, I might have to move there as a preventive measure. Then there’s always the chance I might see the Bang Bus.

Tiger Woods was fortunate enough to already live in Florida, but he obviously lacks the sense god gave geese. If his wife would have been found unconscious, with a mouth full of blood, from having run over a fire hydrant in a motherfucking Cadillac Escalade, there wouldn’t have been an issue of whether or not he was willing to grant the police an interview. His cablanasian ass would have been in jail. Who ever heard of the police going on TV to beg someone to invite them to his house for an interview? We can only assume they were trying to do him a solid. They must have realized, when they saw how his wife beat the shit out of him with a golf club, that it was in his best interest to snitch on her. That relationship was over, even before the tabloids started putting together a list of jumpoffs to rival Joe Budden. Might as well get the domestic violence on the record, for the inevitable divorce proceedings.

Tiger Woods needs to take his punk ass down to the station and describe, in the most graphic detail possible (in case the Smoking Gun gets its hands on the file), how his wife put her shoe on him. Yeah, there’s all kinds of evidence that he’s been with a number of white women that even I find questionable, but of course he only did that to soothe the psychological, and the sheer physical pain of his wife beating the shit out of him. I mean, look at how smoking hot his wife is. The only reason you’d step out on that is if there’s a serious danger in staying home. That excuse might even stand up in court. I’m aware of the old adage by, I believe it was Confucius, who said, show me the most smoking hot woman evar, and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of fucking her, but he was Chinese. Those women all kinda look the same anyway, except for the rare one with huge tits.

If Tiger Woods lucks out, he could end up being able to walk away from his wife without having to pay her too much money. Just enough to take care of those kids, who are gonna be bipolar anyway, because they’re Halfrican American, and if you notice, mixed kids always tend to be at least a little bit crazy. You don’t want to throw too much good money after bad. Anyway, Tiger Woods is worth like a billion dollars. He could end up having to pay what Diddy has to pay, and he’d hardly even notice. Then he could order as many skanky white women as he wants, from the same agency where Kanye West found Shakur, and probably Amber Rose. That way he won’t have to sweat them saving voicemails from years ago (old crimes!), just waiting for Harvey Levin to call. Yeah, Elliot Spitzer somehow managed to get caught banging escorts, but that’s because he was about to prevent the collapse of the US economy, and the subsequent series of bailouts – which were basically just a huge transfer of public wealth into the TIs  pockets. I heard Jesse “The Body” Ventura talking about it the other day on Alex Jones. I can’t imagine Tiger Woods would run afoul of the Illuminati.

Key: TI’s = Tall Israeli’s

Via: ByronCrawford.com